Grief

Grief is a natural process of mental, emotional and spiritual adaptation to a significant loss in our life. This loss can be the death of a loved one, the breakdown of a relationship, the loss of a job or a social role, even the loss of a country if you have been forced to emigrate, Much has been written about the stages of grieving: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. Much can be said about the elaboration of grief and on pathological grief. I just wish to share a brief reflection.

Grief envelops you like a roaring storm in the ocean. Suddenly there is no horizon, no stars, only huge waves that bathe you in icy pain, fear and despair. You meet again your ghosts, old wounds reopen and there you are… alone clinging to the helm of your boat, feeling the creak of wood at the onslaught of an emotional ocean. As in a storm, there is no time to think of anything other than to face one wave at a time, diving in what you are feeling to then go afloat; trusting that at some moment it will begin to abate and there will be longer spaces between each wave of sadness.

Once I saw two older men, one facing the loss of his son along with all his family in a terrible accident and the other who had lost time ago his son. This last one approached, put his hand on his friend’s shoulder and said: “there are no words…” They both stood there sharing an empathic silence before the enormity of the loss. In the presence of grief, friends or family will try to comfort with beautiful advice, with words of personal wisdom or with their spiritual knowledge. It is understandable the caring intention to alleviate; however, I think it is important the silent and serene presence that can accompany and honor the intimate storm the other lives.

I have always been more in favor of silence and questions than in offering answers or solutions. The listening and questions allow the other to elaborate on what is being feeling, express the emotion, name the ghost or recognize the wound. To accompany and contain is to be able to listen without rushing to try to take away the pain. We all inevitably will face griefs throughout our lives. All of us at some moment will wonder if the pain will pass, if we will be able to endure the storm or we will shipwreck… and if someday we will laugh or love again. Perhaps the most important thing in grieving is to remind us to be patient and to trust in that inner lighthouse that whisper, “I Exist, I love myself and I choose life”. All storms pass… This one will pass too.

Tibaire Cristina G. L.